SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2018

Posts Tagged ‘Pluto in Capricorn’

Astrology Update, Solar Eclipse, February 15th, 2018: Creating New Stories

Today has offered us a New Moon with a Solar Eclipse in Aquarius.  Though visible only to parts of South America and Antarctica, this eclipse has already been felt for a few days now by those of us with luminaries, personal planets, or personal points in the 3rd decanate of Aquarius, and will continue to be felt for a while to come.  That’s the thing about eclipses – the big results in our lives tend not to show up on the day of the eclipse, but instead unfold over the next six months, until the time of the next eclipse.

The last Solar Eclipse was in Leo on August 21st of 2017, indicating changes in core identity and self-expression – that eclipse was personal and creative, and that creativity is mirrored and progressed as we move forward into this new eclipse season.  This eclipse in Aquarius indicates changes in group relations and the causes that capture our imaginations and our dedication, with strong idealist and populist overtones.  The personal changes effected as a result of the Leo Solar Eclipse have consequences that are being carried forward to effect changes on a larger social scale during the six months following this Aquarian Solar Eclipse.

Solar eclipses underscore the extent to which the hidden forces of our instincts can impel deep personal change by casting their shadow on the light of consciousness.  The Sun//Moon conjunction of the New Moon is astrology’s most powerful aspect, a time when our conscious and unconscious selves are aligned.  Thus, new seeds of intention are best planted at the New Moon, when these forces within us are in sync.  The Solar Eclipse gives our intuitive side an edge over our more logical side, triggering situations that can offer us a fresh start in whatever area of our lives the eclipse touches through its contact with our natal charts.

This eclipse is conjoined with Mercury and Juno in Aquarius, emphasizing communication and mature partnerships.  Mercury in combination with the Sun and Moon combines intelligence with will and instinct, so there is a good potential for thoughtful and creative planning to guide us forward during this eclipse season, and Juno’s presence makes it likely that our plans require mutually beneficial relationships and shared emotional intelligence to thrive.  That said, it pays to remember that Mercury is a trickster god, playful but also amoral.  This is the Magician archetype in the Tarot, willing to experiment with whatever is at hand regardless of consequence if it furthers his aims.  This is also a storyteller aspect, and with the Sun and Moon sextiling Uranus in Aries that story is likely to have a few unexpected twists and turns, but with Jupiter in Scorpio squaring Mercury, we can expect more than a bit of pulp sensationalism in this narrative, and should take care not to leave the proverbial Caps Lock on lest we turn our creative dialogs into unintentional shouting matches.  With Jupiter sextiling Pluto, there is power behind the bombast, and we may find our Magician storyteller called to stand up to authority.  These next six months are a good time to craft new narratives, a time favoring writers and content creators ready to take bold new steps, create new stories, and build the alliances needed to get those stories seen and heard by those most in need of them.

Venus in Pisces sextiles Saturn in Capricorn today, underscoring the need to create and maintain stable relationships, with both planets inconjunct to Ceres in Leo, creating a Yod formation (“the finger of God”) that points to how we nurture and express our core selves within those relationships.  Venus in Pisces is sympathetic and adaptable, and harmonizes well with Saturn in Capricorn’s sober pragmatism, both putting pressure on Ceres in Leo’s hunger for a solo spotlight.  We are not being asked to dissolve our egos in relationship, however, for the mature and socially conscious partnerships called for by Juno in Aquarius not only allow for individuality and eccentricity, they encourage these qualities.  The Yod to Ceres does not negate the spotlight; it enhances it, and asks us to create relationships that feed our needs as individuals as a means to a better collective, a greater social vision that recognizes and upholds the rights of all, and gives us all a place to shine.  

Mars in idealistic and social Sagittarius trines the North Node in Leo, giving further impetus to this alliance of our core creative and karmic needs with our social consciousness, but Mars also squares Neptune in Pisces today, increasing the potential for deceptive action, seduction, and subterfuge, as well as accidents or harmful actions involving water.  Mars conjunct Vesta increases our idealistic focus, and we may find ourselves engaged in such aggressive pursuit of our goals that we forget to look before we leap, or run afoul of those wishing to take advantage of our idealism for their own nefarious purposes.  Thankfully, Pallas in Taurus trine Black Moon Lilith in Capricorn enhances our cool-headed planning capacity, giving us the ability to step back and assess our circumstances dispassionately, should we choose to make use of it.  The airy detachment that the Aquarian Sun, Moon, and Mercury are famous for is being bolstered by earthy practicality wielded in alignment with divine vision, giving us the capacity to seize our fate with both hands and use our united minds and hearts to create it anew.

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If you enjoyed this post, please consider becoming one of my supporters on Patreon, where I have posted the digital art that accompanies today’s analysis here, along with some background on its creation.  Not only will you get an inside look into my divinatory art, but you will also help keep this blog alive and me writing and creating art regularly.  I am incredibly grateful for my supporters!

Or, if you’re not into the monthly pledge thing but still want to show some support and get some art in the process, please visit my RedBubble page, where a selection of my digital art and my divinatory drawings are available printed on everything from clothing to notebooks to cellphone cases, as well as art prints.  My Etsy shop is also a good place to visit for both printed art and wearables, as well as my hand-crafted herbal dream pillows.  Every sale helps me to continue what I do here, and I deeply appreciate the support!

All aspect times used in creating this post are calculated for Pacific Standard Time.  I tend to speak in broad terms when I reference time on this blog, referring to time-frames like “morning” or “afternoon” rather than specific times, since I still have a lot of friends on the East Coast who read these posts and I’d like them to be pertinent to those friends as well as folks here on the West Coast.  Readers from further abroad will need to adjust time-frames accordingly.

Please keep in mind that we all have different responses to the aspects of the day because we all have different natal and progressed charts with which these aspects interact.  If you would like to know more about your own natal and progressed charts in order to better understand how the aspects of the day will affect you, please take a look at my astrological services, and let’s get started on helping you to understand your life better!  The threads of fate can only be adjusted when we start from a place of deep self-knowing.

Astrology Update, Lunar Eclipse, January 31st, 2018: Lordly Due

 

Full Moons are normally a time when the intentions we set two weeks earlier at the New Moon are coming into fruition.  This Full Moon just happens to feature a Lunar Eclipse in Leo, so rather than simply casting the light of the Sun’s consciousness upon our usual emotions, instincts, and cycles, we now find that our most hidden feelings are coming to the surface, revealing our suppressed emotions and reactions and past situations that have planted the seeds for what we feel now.

As eclipses operate on a six month axis, now is a time to wipe our emotional slates clean, freeing ourselves of whatever emotional baggage we have accumulated in the past six months, especially when it comes to how we express our emotions and how our emotions reveal our innermost truths and make them ripe for the sharing. This Moon very closely conjuncts the asteroid Ceres retrograde, placing emphasis on how we nurture ourselves and others with our feelings and instinctual reactions.  We may find this to be an exceptionally “hungry” Moon, demanding, consuming, unwilling to take “no” for an answer.  The Moon conjunct a retrograde Ceres also brings issues of motherhood to the forefront, particularly those in which nurturance becomes dominating or smothering.  Old wounds from our families of origin may bubble to the surface now.

Black Moon Lilith still loosely conjunct Pluto in Capricorn gives further fuel to the Dark Mother archetype, and with Black Moon Lilith squaring the conjunction of Eris with Uranus in Aries, we may find our mother issues generating sudden disruptions to our lives that feel like they’ve been set in motion by the hands of fate.  With both Black Moon Lilith and Pluto still sextile Jupiter in Scorpio, we may yet be able to summon a practical capacity for objectively and even optimistically assessing the transformations we are experiencing at this time, but Jupiter’s touch continues to magnify their power and their depth, no matter what equanimity we are able to muster on the surface.

This Moon also loosely conjuncts the North Node, increasing the long-term importance of what we learn from these emotional revelations, and warning us against intemperate action based on eclipse-driven impulses.  The Sun loosely conjuncting Venus and the South Node in Aquarius at this time amplifies our capacity for openness, friendliness, and insights regarding social connections yet also increases the likelihood of run-ins with old loves or social circles that we have drifted away from, but with the Moon also inconjunct Neptune at this time it is likely that such encounters will only increase confusion and disenchantment, as Neptune in Pisces encourages the dissolution of boundaries that our hearts need for security as we carve out our emotional realm, and Neptune’s slippery, illusory glimmer is likely to create some bewildering territory to trip up our bold leonine instincts.

This is not a Full Moon that it is easy to find the benefits of, with the intensity and capacity for unforeseen disruptions that tend to accompany eclipses combined with the ferocity and resistance to change of our surfacing emotions.  In particular we may find ourselves confronting our innermost feelings regarding the attention that we do or do not receive from others, wondering “when will my time in the spotlight come?” or, just as easily feeling deeply uncomfortable from an excess of attention in a time or place where we would rather fade into the woodwork.  I always say that the best way to wrangle Leos is to give them whatever they consider to be their “lordly due,” whatever they need to feel most recognized and able to shine as their truest selves, and this eclipsed Leo Moon is demanding its emotional “lordly due” – recognition of the full truth of what we feel, no matter how difficult those feelings might be.

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If you enjoyed this post, please consider becoming one of my supporters on Patreon, where I will be posting the digital art that accompanies today’s analysis a little later in the day, along with some background on its creation.  Not only will you get an inside look into my divinatory art, but you will also help keep this blog alive and me writing and creating art regularly.  I am incredibly grateful for my supporters!

Or, if you’re not into the monthly pledge thing but still want to show some support and get some art in the process, please visit my RedBubble page, where a selection of my digital art and my divinatory drawings are available printed on everything from clothing to notebooks to cellphone cases, as well as art prints.  My Etsy shop is also a good place to visit for both printed art and wearables, as well as my hand-crafted herbal dream pillows.  Every sale helps me to continue what I do here, and I deeply appreciate the support!

All aspect times used in creating this post are calculated for Pacific Standard Time.  I tend to speak in broad terms when I reference time on this blog, referring to time-frames like “morning” or “afternoon” rather than specific times, since I still have a lot of friends on the East Coast who read these posts and I’d like them to be pertinent to those friends as well as folks here on the West Coast.  Readers from further abroad will need to adjust time-frames accordingly.

Please keep in mind that we all have different responses to the aspects of the day because we all have different natal and progressed charts with which these aspects interact.  If you would like to know more about your own natal and progressed charts in order to better understand how the aspects of the day will affect you, please take a look at my astrological services, and let’s get started on helping you to understand your life better!  The threads of fate can only be adjusted when we start from a place of deep self-knowing.

Astrology Update, New Moon in Capricorn, January 16th, 2018: Why So Serious?

New Moons are a time when our conscious and unconscious selves are aligned, working together in harmony, giving us a great opportunity to go within and understand ourselves and what we truly want, and then plant seeds of intention accordingly.  With all planets now moving direct and no retrogrades until Jupiter’s retrograde in early March, the seeds that we plant now are especially favored to yield real results, particularly if we are patient and mindful of where our goals fit within the larger plan.  

This New Moon occurs at 26 degrees Capricorn, a sign known for its patience and determination, and with Capricorn’s ruler Saturn in this sign along with Pluto, Venus, Mercury, and Black Moon Lilith, there is a powerful emphasis on all things Saturnine, including age, time, process, karma, rules, responsibility, limitations, and structure.  There are consequences to the seeds we sow now, and what we grow will take time and patience to cultivate.  Now is a good time to seek the advice of a wise elder, to respect earth-based traditions, tend to our bodies and our bones in particular, and reconnect with the natural world as best we can despite potentially daunting winter weather.

Jupiter in Scorpio sextile to Pluto in Capricorn at this time is part of a repeating pattern for much of 2018, expanding our possibilities for transformation and lending faith and optimism to the process, which are much-needed when facing some of the darker institutional and societal secrets that are being dredged up during Pluto’s Capricorn transit, as well as personal traumas for those of us with planets and luminaries touched by this transit.  This sextile can help us to be real powerhouses in whatever areas of our natal and progressed charts are touched by Scorpio and Capricorn, but it can also amp up the intensity of our experiences there, though being a supportive aspect it is unlikely to yield any dire Plutonian fallout in and of itself.  Since this New Moon, Sun, and Venus in Capricorn sextile Chiron in Pisces, which is also trined by Mars in Scorpio, what hurts are dredged up under Pluto’s influence can yield potent lessons that increase our healing wisdom, compassion, and sense of universal connection, and we are most likely to gain revelations regarding wounds incurred in relation to desire and intimacy.

Mars in Scorpio inconjunct Uranus in Aries during this New Moon makes for sudden surprises that can be jarring to our energy and drive, and with Mars still in orb to its recent conjunction with Jupiter, Mars in Scoprio’s intense focus and motivation continues to be a force to be reckoned with.  This is a time to enlist extra Capricornian caution when driving or engaged in other undertakings in which an accident could have fatal consequences, especially since with both Uranus and Mars in signs that Mars rules, we may find ourselves so focused on our goals that we fail to see potential dangers, or do not give them the respect they deserve.  Since this inconjunct is part of a Learning Triangle with the Sun, Moon, and Venus unexpected lessons are emphasized here, particularly those that call into question our desires and what we do to attain them, with both our conscious and unconscious selves poised to make use of whatever wisdom we may gain from these experiences.  Mars gains the benefit of the sextile to the Sun and Moon in this configuration, making us conscious of our focus and drive while feeling intuitively aligned with that awareness.  But this New Moon and Venus are squaring Uranus, making us equally aware of how tenuous our position is right now.  This is an unsettling aspect, to be sure, and we may find our moods and affections flip-flopping as a result or unusually self-indulgent, sending us in pursuit of newness and excitement with potential frustration and flaring tempers when we find our our desires thwarted.

The Sun, Moon, and Venus all in the last decanate of Capricorn emphasize patient ambition in pursuit of our desires, and Saturn, Mercury, and Black Moon Lilith all in the first decanate of Capricorn emphasize patience and persistence even more, with a methodical outlook that transcends temporary fads and is not impressed by Moon/Venus-square-Uranus impulsiveness.  But Uranus in Aries is the height of impatience, eager to start endeavors yet often hard-pressed to keep up the momentum necessary to continue, and we may find ourselves tripping over sudden changes in our feelings and emotional attention-span.  Therefore, whatever seeds of intention we decide to plant at this New Moon, we need to recognize that the dogpile of planets in Capricorn may still give us all of the patience and determination in the world despite whatever emotional surprises the Uranian square may cook up, but they also make it likely that what we choose to pursue now will require much time and tenacity to see to the end, with all-too-many obstacles to test us along the way.

Mercury conjuncts Black Moon Lilith in the first decanate of Capricorn during this New Moon, putting our thoughts and communication in alignment with divine will and giving us a certain degree of emotional distance in our thinking.  Lilith can force us to confront our desires by tempting us with what we cannot attain until we have gained a certain degree of emotional maturity, often learning some very difficult lessons in the process.  There is also a Uranian tone to Lilith’s insights, a primal and electric intuition that is both independent and impersonal, helping us to be more objective about our feelings.  Mercury is also still conjunct Saturn at this time, so our thoughts continue to have a certain gravitas to steady the Uranian influence, and in combination with Black Moon Lilith can create a powerful sense of fatefulness in our ideas and communication now.  Mercury in Capricorn carefully brings together all of the facts to bear upon a subject before arriving at any conclusion, creating an impression of slow thoughtfulness that can be mistaken for a lack of mental dexterity, yet in fact Mercury in Capricorn’s methodical thought-process repeatedly yields the right answer.  If we need to carefully think through all aspects of a plan before making any decision, and do so with mindfulness of the long-term consequences of whatever decision we will make, this Mercury transit is the time to do it.  There is the potential for the Saturn/Mercury/Black Moon Lilith conjunction to yield a somewhat bleak and depressive outlook if we let Saturn’s influence become more weight than motivator, so sensitive souls would do well to remember that and keep a sense of humor on-hand to balance out such a hefty dose of Saturnine seriousness.

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If you enjoyed this post, please consider becoming one of my supporters on Patreon, where I will be posting the digital art that accompanies today’s analysis a little later in the day, along with some background on its creation.  Not only will you get an inside look into my divinatory art, but you will also help keep this blog alive and me writing and creating art regularly.  I am incredibly grateful for my supporters!

Or, if you’re not into the monthly pledge thing but still want to show some support and get some art in the process, please visit my RedBubble page, where a selection of my digital art and my divinatory drawings are available printed on everything from clothing to notebooks to cellphone cases, as well as art prints.  My Etsy shop is also a good place to visit for both printed art and wearables, as well as my hand-crafted herbal dream pillows.  Every sale helps me to continue what I do here, and I deeply appreciate the support!

All aspect times used in creating this post are calculated for Pacific Standard Time.  I tend to speak in broad terms when I reference time on this blog, referring to time-frames like “morning” or “afternoon” rather than specific times, since I still have a lot of friends on the East Coast who read these posts and I’d like them to be pertinent to those friends as well as folks here on the West Coast.  Readers from further abroad will need to adjust time-frames accordingly.

Please keep in mind that we all have different responses to the aspects of the day because we all have different natal and progressed charts with which these aspects interact.  If you would like to know more about your own natal and progressed charts in order to better understand how the aspects of the day will affect you, please take a look at my astrological services, and let’s get started on helping you to understand your life better!  The threads of fate can only be adjusted when we start from a place of deep self-knowing.

Astrology Update, 3rd Quarter Moon, January 8th, 2018: Lantern Light

There is a kind of paradox in the January 8th, 2018 3rd Quarter Moon in Libra, appropriate to the eternal balancing act of the sign.  When Uranus in Aries stationed direct the day after the 1st of January’s two Full Moons, it ushered in an unusual time when all of the planets are currently direct, free from the hesitation and hiccups of the retrograde influence.  In combination with Saturn’s recent entry into Capricorn, one of the two signs that it rules, it would seem as though the universe is aligned in favor of movement and getting things done.  The 3rd Quarter Moon, however, is a time when we have been busy disseminating whatever intentions we planted at the New Moon and saw come into fruition at the Full Moon, and our energy is now beginning to peter out.  Ironically, despite the forward motion and impetus to action of all of the planets, the 3rd Quarter Moon is a time for review, reassessment, and refinement of what actions we have taken toward our goals, similar to the need for such review during retrograde periods.  The combination of the will to action and the need for review make this an especially good time to take actions related to shedding things we no longer need, breaking bad habits, and removing unwanted influences, so that whatever intentions we plant at the upcoming New Moon will be able to grow unimpeded.

January 6th saw Mars conjunct Jupiter in Scorpio, amplifying our need for action in some of the deepest and most intense areas of our lives, and this conjunction is still in orb to have a powerful effect on this 3rd Quarter Moon.  Scorpio is emotional deep water, swirling around our drive, our ambition, our aggression, that is now touched with the fervor of faith.  Neptune in Pisces is still trined to Jupiter, lending imagination to this brew, course-correcting our trajectories through our dreams, and bringing a sense of selflessness to our actions – we are more willing to act on behalf of others now and in service to the greater good, and more likely to want whatever we do to be meaningful on a deeper and more universal scale.  But this 3rd Quarter Moon also sees Mars sextile to Pluto, and Jupiter moving toward his exact sextile with Pluto in the darkness shortly before the New Moon.  Our will to action is powerful under the Plutonian influence, and as a result this is an especially good time to take action to correct power imbalances in our own lives and in our larger society.

Given that the 3rd Quarter Moon is a square aspect between the Sun in Capricorn and the Moon in Libra, there is a challenge here between our need for accomplishment and our instinctive desire not to upset the peace, our will to go-it-alone up the mountainside and that desire for companionship that got so stirred up at the Full Moon.  Social Libra is the sign most desirous of harmony that is also most likely to find that harmony all-too-easily disrupted, so the tendency of the 1st and 3rd Quarter Moons to unsettle us with their emphasis on change finds our instincts especially sensitive to such disruptions now.  We have this powerhouse of capability with Jupiter, Mars, Pluto, and Neptune in supportive aspects with each other, and a weary and uncertain Moon making us instinctually unwilling to rock the boat, even when the universe suggests that it is in serious need of rocking.  And thanks to the trine from Mercury to Uranus and the square from Mercury to Chiron, both on the 6th and both still in effect, our minds at least are primed to do some of that rocking, able to learn from Chironian discomfort and gain insight from the rapid changes that Uranus triggers, even if those changes are the last thing the sensitive Libran Moon feels equipped to handle.

Libra’s ruler Venus conjuncts the Sun today, and at the time of the 3rd Quarter Moon she is close enough to be considered cazimi, “in the heart of the Sun.”  In the few degrees leading up to this rarefied state, Venus has been considered combust, “under the rays of the Sun,” her loving and companionable qualities hidden, face and form burnt, uncertain of her own power, and hesitant to receive affection.  That said, Venus is strong in Capricorn, well-equipped to endure the Sun’s fire in pursuit of her more radiant self.  For once she reaches the cazimi degrees, all of her impurities and uncertainties are burnt away, and she shines with the brilliance imparted by the awareness of the Sun.  Both the Sun and Venus sextiled Jupiter a few hours before the 3rd Quarter Moon, bringing a sense of faith and optimism to this new awareness of our more evolved capacity for love and connection.  Now is the time to recognize who we have become in pursuit of the affection that became such an emotional challenge during the Full Moon’s opposition to Venus.  And because the Sun and Venus both conjunct Pluto and Mars the day after this 3rd Quarter Moon, now is the time to recognize the power and urgency of our connections as well, with all of their practical and emotional impact boosted to the hilt at a time when our instincts turn toward peace and quiet.  With the Moon squaring Sun, Venus, and Pluto at this time, we are challenged to accept affection, to believe that we are worthy to have love exert its power in our lives.  In the cold of winter, heading into the dark of the Moon, Venus in the heart of the Sun becomes our sustaining light, drawing our reluctant hearts forward to press on through the night.

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If you enjoyed this post, please consider becoming one of my supporters on Patreon, where I have posted the digital art that accompanies today’s analysis here, along with some background on its creation.  Not only will you get an inside look into my divinatory art, but you will also help keep this blog alive and me writing and creating art regularly.  I am incredibly grateful for my supporters!

Or, if you’re not into the monthly pledge thing but still want to show some support and get some art in the process, please visit my RedBubble page, where a selection of my digital art and my divinatory drawings are available printed on everything from clothing to notebooks to cellphone cases, as well as art prints.  My Etsy shop is also a good place to visit for both printed art and wearables, as well as my hand-crafted herbal dream pillows.  Every sale helps me to continue what I do here, and I deeply appreciate the support!

All aspect times used in creating this post are calculated for Pacific Standard Time.  I tend to speak in broad terms when I reference time on this blog, referring to time-frames like “morning” or “afternoon” rather than specific times, since I still have a lot of friends on the East Coast who read these posts and I’d like them to be pertinent to those friends as well as folks here on the West Coast.  Readers from further abroad will need to adjust time-frames accordingly.

Please keep in mind that we all have different responses to the aspects of the day because we all have different natal and progressed charts with which these aspects interact.  If you would like to know more about your own natal and progressed charts in order to better understand how the aspects of the day will affect you, please take a look at my astrological services, and let’s get started on helping you to understand your life better!  The threads of fate can only be adjusted when we start from a place of deep self-knowing.

Health and Events Update

As noted in my last post, my regular posting schedule has been suspended due to health issues.  It turns out that I have cervical cancer in addition to the ovarian cyst (which grew in the month between its first sighting via ultrasound and the CT scan that followed), and ovarian cancer is also a possibility due both to troubling markings and the cyst having attached itself to the nearby intestinal wall.  I will be having surgery on the 25th of July, during which the ovary will be biopsied to determine whether or not ovarian cancer is indeed part of the picture, although the probability of both cancers having developed simultaneously is minimal, thankfully.  After I’ve recovered from the surgery I will have radiation and chemo, and while all of these treatments have their risks, I am still grateful that now there is a treatment plan, and a light at the end of the tunnel – like any good Capricorn, I am much happier when I have concrete facts and actions to ground me, and I feel like I can face anything so long as I have a plan.

This has forced me to cancel my appearances at events in June and July, and another appearance in early August, but it looks like I’ve managed to schedule the surgery with just enough recovery time to still be able to make it to Many Gods West, where I will be vending and teaching a mead brewing seminar, though I will need to take some steps to make sure that I don’t overdo it, and probably won’t be as lively at the conference as I would otherwise like to be.  I will not be scheduling further event appearances until I make it through this.

I am very grateful for the love, support, and prayers of my friends, and particularly for the aid of my maternal aunts, Dorothy, Linda, and Lucy, who have formed what Dorothy calls “The Assembly of Auspicious Aunties.” They have indeed been living up to that name and have been helping to coordinate getting me to my medical appointments and acting as clear-headed backup brains to help make up for my brain fog resulting from pain, meds, reduced appetite, and chronic sleep deprivation.  They have also been wonderful to talk to and reconnect with after many years of separation due to my stepmother’s fear and dislike of my mother’s family resulting in her actively preventing them from seeing me combined with her poisonously divisive programming of my young mind, that taught me that they didn’t want me or care about me.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

I’m also deeply grateful for my stepmother’s two caregivers who tend to her personal care on an alternating schedule, Cathy and Grace, with whom I have developed a friendship.  I try not to worry them with my situation, but both of them check in on me and try to help me with finding ways to manage my own care while making sure that my stepmother continues to be well tended to.  They are both immigrants, so my interactions with them over the past few years have helped to educate me on the experiences of immigrants now in the era of Trump, and I find myself feeling fiercely protective of them and their families.  Their stories, their strength, their kindness and dedication and compassion move me deeply.  Even if I hadn’t grown so close to them as a result of living in the same house with each of them for half the week, I would find them admirable, but in the midst of this illness I am continually reminded that women and men like them are the people who build this country from the ground up.  My job here would be infinitely harder without them even if I wasn’t sick, and now that I am, I know that it would be impossible to get through this if I didn’t have their support.

Experiencing the loving care of these two extraordinary ladies and my amazing aunts has been the silver lining in all of this.

As has the change in my perspective.  When faced with my own mortality and even greater physical limitations than those caused by my usual autoimmune issues, priorities change.  I’ve actually become more obsessively creative, but in tiny doses throughout the day, whenever I can either beat the pain and fog enough to draw, or via knitting to distract myself from the pain when it’s bad but not incapacitating – knitting the patterns I know by heart requires even less brain power than drawing, and it’s remarkable how far you can get knitting a few stitches here, another few after the worst of the pain subsides.

For the most part, I can still woman up enough to haul myself out of bed and do what I need to in order to manage my stepmother’s care, but these days more and more of that work is conducted from my bed, with the caregivers keeping me posted on what needs to be done, reminding me of whatever my foggy brain has forgotten and making sure I stay on-task.  One of the more frustrating aspects of this is that between the brain fog and the constant pain, everything I do is much, much slower – to put things in perspective, I started this post shortly before the end of June, and have struggled each week since to try to finish it and get it posted.  If not for my extreme stubbornness, I wouldn’t get anything done at all, but I am stubborn, and each day I tackle the most crucial tasks in bite-sized pieces until those pieces add up to something complete.  Even if it’s only one small thing complete, at least it’s something.  It’s ironic that I came out here to care for a terminally ill woman, and now find myself a patient as well.  I am lucky that I can extend my influence from my bed through the computer, that I can do so many tasks electronically, even if painfully slowly.  I am lucky that I am only afflicted with brain fog and not the full-blown dementia from which she suffers, and that this illness is treatable and therefore temporary, however scary it may be.  Watching my muscle mass shrink due to my inability to eat reminds me of watching her wither due to her emotional lack of appetite when the dementia really began to become serious, though unlike her I am still actively trying to make sure that I get good nutrition, even if it is all liquids and purees.

A few months back a fellow astrologer and numerologist pointed out the combination of both the Sun and Mercury in my natal chart at 22 degrees that he saw as indicating that I would need to become a “guide” to a family member.  Since this is the area of Capricorn that Pluto will be transiting in another couple of years (a couple of years before the United States’ Pluto return), I have given much thought to how this corresponds to my efforts to help my stepmother during her lengthy process of dying.  While I am not going to assume that this disease was divinely given in order to make me more compassionate toward her by giving me an inside look at the experience of a debilitating illness, nonetheless it is perhaps a side benefit in the midst of the pain and disruption of my life, something to give me more understanding and hopefully help me to help her better during her final days (weeks, months, years…).  If all goes well with my treatment, then perhaps I will be better equipped with the empathy to help her face her own mortality.  In the meantime, like her I am becoming intimately familiar with the view from my bedroom window, and with the process of waiting.